Wow, has it really been eight months?

I’ve been having a bad case of EVE burnout, the worst ever for me. And my log says it’s been 266 days since I’ve blown anybody up.

That. Simply. Will. Not. Do.

So I’ve been back in the game for a few days, and I decided to jump into one of my old combat Cranes and go see if there’s still anybody left in EVE who will fall for the old “helpless hauler” trick.

I went and buzzed a few belts, when what to my wondering eye should appear but a whole 3-man corporation, none of them as old as a week, mining in a Bantam, an Osprey, and a Badger, with lasers shining from all three ships. Could it be that Asteroid Mining Corporation [AM.CO] would give me some sport?

Despite the Badger on the scene, they had a couple of jet cans out with paltry bits of ore. I scooped those.

No response.

They also had a rat wreck there, so I went and looted it. Then the Bantam jetted another can. I went and scooped that.

Finally, some reaction. The Osprey mining cruiser started to lock me up.

I locked him back, which always takes a while in the Crane. Before I’m done, I hear whooshing missiles. Sweet! A customer!

My lock completed, I tried to point him. I get the Concord warning. It’s laggier than I remember — missiles are hitting me for trivial damage, but he’s still not flashy red. That always takes longer than you think, but finally he goes flashy. Pointed! And then I began to piss on him from a height with my heavy missile launcher.

A properly fit Osprey cruiser — especially if in “bait” mode — can give me a serious run. But not one that’s piloted by a three-day-old-pilot and mounting a single afterthought assault missile launcher in mining mode:

2011.04.06 22:17:00

Victim: Kane Redeemer
Corp: Asteroid Mining Corporation
Alliance: Unknown
Faction: Unknown
Destroyed: Osprey
System: [redacted]
Security: 0.7
Damage Taken: 3174

Involved parties:

Name: Marlenus (laid the final blow)
Security: 1.3
Corp: Ironfleet Towing And Salvage
Alliance: NONE
Faction: NONE
Ship: Crane
Weapon: Havoc Fury Heavy Missile
Damage Done: 3172

Name: Guristas Imputor / Guristas
Damage Done: 2

Destroyed items:

75mm Gatling Rail I (Cargo)
Miner II
Warrior I, Qty: 4 (Drone Bay)
Pyroxeres, Qty: 2485 (Cargo)
ECM – Spatial Destabilizer I (Cargo)

Dropped items:

‘Arbalest’ Assault Missile Launcher
Expanded Cargohold II, Qty: 2
Bloodclaw Light Missile, Qty: 19
Small Nosferatu I (Cargo)
Miner II, Qty: 2
Mining Laser Upgrade I
Bloodclaw Light Missile, Qty: 1850 (Cargo)

I never saw the Warriors; my guess is that in the excitement he forgot to launch them — I know I’ve done that! It’s even possible this was his first-ever ship loss, if he was genuinely new to EVE. (But he had good gear for his age, so I’m dubious about that.) To his credit, he did not snivel; he stayed silent in local until I finished blowing the Osprey, then warped away his pod.

It was fun once, but what I want is another ambitious Hulk pilot to play with.

One Response to “Blowing Up Newbies”

  1. Planetary Genocide says:


    I read through your entire backlog of posts once, chuckling to myself every 20 or so seconds, then I came back and realized none of you had posted since August ’10.

    It’s nice to hear more helpless hauler stories again :D

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