Ironfleet Towing And Salvage

Sorry I haven’t had a lot of updates recently; it’s been busy in real life and in-game, I’ve been flying a covert ops ship, scouting for the TEARS alliance in their recent war. That started off as a big deal, against a fairly large industrial alliance called the Coalition of The Extraordinary:

They brought some fight, Suddenly Ninjas was having a lot of fun and (with some other TEARS people) even killed an unescorted Orca (!). I spent a lot of time looking for more targets like that one, but I never really had much success, and thus, didn’t have anything to report here.

Then a couple more corps saw how much fun we were having, so they declared against COE also; COE, sensibly enough, hired mercenaries. That didn’t have the desired effect (the new TEARS allies had fun shooting at REPO, but TEARS kept hunting CEO) and now CEO appears to be in a failure cascade, with most of its members leaving in the last 24 hours. I suppose they may plan to re-marry after the war, but for now, CEO seems to be an empty shell of its former self:

All of which sounds exciting enough, but for me, it was a war that consisted of flying endless jumps, finding a system with war targets, confirming that they are all solidly docked up, waiting around for awhile to see if that changed (it never did, for me) and moving on.

A long time ago, in the time of The Great INDY War, I had a random war dec from a guy named Duckeye who never showed up. It was right after the INDY alliance called off AC-ME’s dog Chebri, and there were anonymous commenters in this post who suggested a Duckeye / Chebri connection, but it was never confirmed.

I did later confirm that Duckeye is a shared account, because I station camped him for awhile during factional warfare (he was flying for the Gallente scum) and we had a cordial chat during which he utterly failed to remember ever having declared war on Ironfleet, blaming his “little brother” who “played the account for a couple of weeks”. Yeah, that’s pretty obvious nonsense, but it’s the sort of nonsense you’ll get from account sharers who don’t want to be too open about it.

Anyway, about ten days ago the Duckeye / Chebri connection was confirmed in a fairly humorous way. Duckeye apparently got drunk and started inviting everybody in his address book into the “Duckeye’s Bathtub” chat channel; and *surprise* Chebri was there and acting like a resident of the channel. There was mass confusion as a great many people wanted to know “why am I here” so I was in the channel for almost twenty minutes, until Duckeye finally remembered who I was and kick/banned me. Here are a few of the funnier bits, it’s a very long chat file so these are highly condensed highlights. The first snip is for flavor and show the Duckeye/Chebri connection — they sound like friends or closer, but probably not the same person I’d say:

—————————————————————
Channel ID: 2137386827
Channel Name: Duckeye’s Bathtub
Listener: Marlenus
Session started: 2009.01.05 05:40:05
—————————————————————

EVE System > Channel MOTD: Welcome to my bathtub, GET DIRTY!!

{snip}

[ 05:40:58 ] Chebri > /emote dances around in the water singing ‘splish splash I was takin a bath’
[ 05:41:12 ] Duckeye > rubber ducky, your the one, you make bathtime lots of fun
[ 05:41:13 ] The Kovenant > /emote plays with bubbles
[ 05:41:14 ] AdamVan Dutchman > weeee
[ 05:41:23 ] Auk Monnan > mmm, tribe will eat good this weak
[ 05:41:27 ] mayito > u a real gal chebri?
[ 05:41:32 ] Motre > What the hell are you doing to that rubber duckie…
[ 05:41:32 ] Duckeye > don’t touch her
[ 05:41:33 ] Chebri > ya
[ 05:41:34 ] mayito > i got a bone if u r
[ 05:41:34 ] AdamVan Dutchman > hey leave that duck alone
[ 05:41:37 ] mayito > boner*
[ 05:41:39 ] Chebri > LOL
[ 05:41:39 ] Motre > OH GOD! THAT DOES NOT GO THERE!
[ 05:41:41 ] mayito > oh shit
[ 05:41:42 ] AdamVan Dutchman > that’s gross
[ 05:41:44 ] Duckeye > /emote slices off mayito’s hands
[ 05:41:48 ] BAD CHICK > eh how did i get here
[ 05:41:48 ] mayito > im confused now
[ 05:41:53 ] Duckeye > SHE’S MINE
[ 05:41:56 ] Duckeye > hit on bad chick
[ 05:42:00 ] mayito > its bad chick!!!!!!!!!!
[ 05:42:11 ] mayito > bad chick
[ 05:42:13 ] Auk Monnan > and you may ask yourself…
[ 05:42:14 ] Duckeye > good boy
[ 05:42:16 ] mayito > im bad boy
[ 05:42:19 ] Chebri > 0o0o0o
[ 05:42:23 ] mayito > wana make bad kids?
[ 05:42:24 ] Chebri > /emote hugs Duckey
[ 05:42:26 ] BAD CHICK > i am just missunderstood
[ 05:42:29 ] Duckeye > hehe
[ 05:42:37 ] BAD CHICK > i am lesbian .
[ 05:42:40 ] hermerdoo > what up
[ 05:42:41 ] mayito > so
[ 05:42:44 ] GROUPA > can i help you guys
[ 05:42:45 ] Chebri > *\o/*
[ 05:42:45 ] AdamVan Dutchman > yay
[ 05:42:47 ] mayito > i love lesbians
[ 05:42:54 ] Entarii > what the hell is going on here

{snip}

[ 05:45:26 ] Chebri > \\o
[ 05:45:30 ] Chebri > o//
[ 05:45:35 ] mayito > uh oh
[ 05:45:39 ] mayito > shes dancing
[ 05:45:43 ] Motre > WOOOO! TAKE OT OFF
[ 05:45:45 ] Chebri > weeee
[ 05:45:50 ] mayito > take it off..take it offf!!
[ 05:45:53 ] Chebri > there’s nothing on! it’s a bathtub
[ 05:45:58 ] AdamVan Dutchman > nakedness woo
[ 05:45:59 ] Chebri > ( * Y * )
[ 05:46:11 ] mayito > /emote faints in the water
[ 05:46:13 ] AdamVan Dutchman > your wearing nothing but a bath tub
[ 05:46:18 ] mayito > XP
[ 05:46:20 ] Chebri > exactly…and bubbles

{snip}

[ 05:47:38 ] Frank Doth > can we know whats goign on?
[ 05:47:45 ] Duckeye > CAN you? sure thing
[ 05:47:59 ] Father Yarrr > why did we get invited here
[ 05:48:14 ] Father Yarrr > im busy killin stuff
[ 05:48:14 ] jorunbrigita > umm how do you know it’s a toe?
[ 05:48:20 ] BobSmith BobSmith > ?
[ 05:48:26 ] BobSmith BobSmith > hello
[ 05:48:32 ] BobSmith BobSmith > whats up?
[ 05:48:35 ] Chebri > LOL
[ 05:48:39 ] Khysanth > wow i dont know any of you
[ 05:48:44 ] Khysanth > why was i invited here?
[ 05:48:46 ] Duckeye > I know YOU
[ 05:48:49 ] Duckeye > I’ve been watching you…
[ 05:48:52 ] Khysanth > i’ll bet you do
[ 05:48:54 ] Duckeye > I like your underwear…
[ 05:49:06 ] Duckeye > and your tatoo of eddie murphy on your left shin
[ 05:49:06 ] Marlenus > It looks like Duckey got drunk and invited everybody in his address book into a chatroom

{snip}

[ 05:49:24 ] Chebri > ack!
[ 05:49:28 ] Chebri > Ore thief!!!
[ 05:49:29 ] Duckeye > I WANT YOU, CUZ I’M MR. VAIN
[ 05:49:33 ] Animenick > any clue what this chat is for?
[ 05:49:37 ] Duckeye > for fun
[ 05:49:40 ] Marlenus > LOL at Chebri, I wuz invited
[ 05:49:45 ] ar2ro > yo. what is the channel?
[ 05:49:46 ] AdamVan Dutchman > we are having a buble bath and blow
[ 05:49:56 ] Chebri > ya I know..we’re doing random invites
[ 05:50:05 ] Chebri > pitty the poor soul in local that spams something for sale =D
[ 05:50:07 ] Duckeye > nothin but love!
[ 05:50:09 ] BobSmith BobSmith > ok
[ 05:50:12 ] Chebri > \o/
[ 05:50:15 ] BobSmith BobSmith > sounds fun
[ 05:50:19 ] Chebri > /emote wants more bubbles

{snip}

[ 05:51:41 ] Bjorn Stahle > was that Marlenus?!?
[ 05:51:49 ] ar2ro > Random invitation is sux)
[ 05:51:50 ] Chebri > ya
[ 05:51:53 ] Chebri > >.< [ 05:51:57 ] Duckeye > this will be our theme song
[ 05:51:58 ] Duckeye > http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KX-de_SH3KQ
[ 05:52:01 ] Bjorn Stahle > That Bastard referred to me as that Battle cruiser guy!
[ 05:52:05 ] Marlenus > Bjjorn that was, but I don’t know you
[ 05:52:10 ] Marlenus > LOL
[ 05:52:23 ] Chebri > \\o
[ 05:53:09 ] Bjorn Stahle > Heya Marlenus :)

{snip}

[ 05:55:42 ] Marlenus > Bjorn Stahle which battlecruiser guy are you? ;-)
[ 05:55:43 ] Hildale > random invites?
[ 05:55:50 ] Duckeye > na, tactical invites
[ 05:56:00 ] Jonny Hawks > Dis da Bath Tub rev’o’LUTION MON!
[ 05:56:00 ] Bjorn Stahle > ummm it was like a year ago lol
[ 05:56:01 ] Duckeye > if your name begins with a letter, then I invite you
[ 05:56:15 ] Marlenus > So much was
[ 05:56:38 ] Bjorn Stahle > which reminds me I upgraded my computer 6 months ago and lost your web page url, Marlenus
[ 05:56:42 ] Gzafer > WHO DID THIS
[ 05:56:52 ] Duckeye > someones hacking your computer Gzafer!
[ 05:56:57 ] Gzafer > WHAT
[ 05:56:57 ] Duckeye > quick, press Ctrl+Q!
[ 05:56:59 ] Bjorn Stahle > But it was INDY war dec
[ 05:57:03 ] Marlenus > Ironfleet.com, Bjorn — both of the hosts of this channel have mentions
[ 05:57:15 ] Marlenus > Ahy, the INDY war, I remember it fondly
[ 05:57:21 ] Duckeye > ah shit
[ 05:57:58 ] Bjorn Stahle > damn you for making an easy url, Marlenus!
[ 05:58:03 ] Marlenus > ;-)
[ 05:58:04 ] Bjorn Stahle > /emote shakes fist
[ 05:58:04 ] Jonny Hawks > >>>>This be the “Hey EVE can be FUN Channel”<<<< [ 05:58:10 ] AdamVan Dutchman > this is definately not anything to do with fun
[ 05:58:17 ] Duckeye > I’m havin fun
[ 05:58:18 ] Gzafer > I DONT UNDERSTAND
[ 05:58:25 ] Marlenus > Bjorn you could have knocked me over with a feather when I saw that URL still available
[ 05:58:32 ] dolphin Jim > does anyone?
[ 05:58:35 ] Bjorn Stahle > lol
[ 05:59:01 ] Marlenus > dolphin Jim, some folks got drunk and started inviting everybody in their address book, looks like
[ 05:59:14 ] dolphin Jim > hehe

And right there I got kicked and banned. I think that last “ah shit” from Duckeye is probably when he finally realized who he’d invited. Aw, Duckeye, I didn’t know you still cared!

P.S. Remember AC-ME, Chebri’s former corp in INDY? It still exists and it’s still an alliance member, but there’s only one person left in the corporation.

As long-time forum readers know, there’s a perennial crop of butt-hurt mission runners who pop up about once a week on the official EVE forums to complain about “salvage thieves” and either (a) claim that salvage is an exploit or (b) demand that the salvage mechanic be “fixed”.

I’ve long maintained a page of handy quotes from the CCP people who have explained that salvage is not theft and is functioning as intended. It’s even in UBB format so that I and others can cut-and-paste into the forum threads, to save time.

Today, one of the software engineers (CCP Prism) made a statement worth updating the page for. It’s a politer version of Ironfleet’s long-standing policy: if it’s not in your cargo hold or your hangar, it’s not yours.

Why is stealing salvage OK?

It’s not.

It shouldn’t even be possible to move an item from your cargo-hold / hanger to another persons cargo-hold / hanger without opening a trade window. Before the salvage enters those containers it is not considered your stuff by the server code. Hence it’s not stealing.

If you’re surprised as to why the server does not consider it your stuff, it’s because it’s a mini profession designed for people who want to roam and look for salvage, not to further increase the revenue from mission grinding. I doubt anyone with a perspective thinks we need to high-sec increase mission grinding any further.

Emphasis added.

Do you ever notice, on all those forum threads about mission salvagers, how the mission runners in their big fat carefully-tanked battleships like to talk about how unfair it is that there is “zero risk” to the people who probe down and salvage their missions?

Well, that hasn’t been my experience.

It seems like every time I go mission probing in a covert ops ship (for the probing speed bonuses) I lose the damn thing and swear I’ll use cheaper ships next time.

Yesterday, I lost a Buzzard to lag in Dodixie.

I’d jump-cloned down that way because my alliance peeps were having a big operation there, but I was too late for most of the party. So I fitted out a covops with cheap gear and started on an ordinance survey of the system; if I’m going to play there, I need a set of probing bookmarks.

My early work with long range probes got me several good hits on mission runners well away from the ecliptic, so the project was a smashing success; with the bookmarks I got, I can now reach almost anywhere in the system that a mission runner is likely to be.

Unfortunately, in the process I found a Dominix battleship sharing a deadspace with a bunch of wrecked Amarr Navy battleships, and three that weren’t wrecked yet. In fact, it looked like the last three were “way over there” and not woke up yet.

I couldn’t ignore all those lovely armor plates, so I started salvaging. And heck, if those battleships wake up, I’ll have plenty of time to warp out when they start targeting me, right?

I forgot I was Dodixie, a mission hub every bit as notorious for lag as Saila was back in the day.

I’m salvaging, three un-agroed battleships on my overview. There’s a noise, as of lasers firing. My screen refreshes. I’m in a pod.

My client, apparently, didn’t bother alerting me to the whole “you’re being locked” part of the process.

It wasn’t really a problem, long run; I got in my free Ibis, put salvagers in the top slots, came back for my loot, salvaged my wreck, finished salvaging the mission, and came out with an Ibis-load of the mission runner’s loot on top of that. In fact, I got so many Armor Plates, I think I may have paid for the ship I lost. But it was annoying.

I had a little bit more fun with the diplomatic contact that resulted from this combat the day before yesterday. You’ll remember that I wasn’t quite sure what the Retriever pilot had done to start flashing red. Well, I got this convo:

Careos Ordo > Hail sir.
Marlenus > Hello, what’s up?
Careos Ordo > I understand we had an incident between our corps in the last few days.
Careos Ordo > It appears to be a misunderstanding, I didn’t want any ill feelings.
Marlenus > Did we? If so, it’s news to me
Careos Ordo > Its on the front page of your site.
Marlenus > Oh. That’s not an incident, it’s just normal business.
Careos Ordo > Not the way we operate.
Careos Ordo > Your ship was accidentally attacked by a drone.
Marlenus > Hmm, I do not believe so. “The logs, they show nothing.”
Marlenus > And the drones were not in space.
Careos Ordo > Well, my pilots assured me whatever happened they meant no aggression.
Marlenus > Hmmm, I must agree that scooping of the drones would seem to support that story.
Careos Ordo > If you loot, that is your way, I will not judge you for that…I just wanted to let you know that there was nothing from our side. I don’t want to start a war.
Careos Ordo > They had kill rights on your man because he had looted a wreck earlier.
Marlenus > No worries, I’m not in the diplomatic loop for my alliance … there’s zero risk of war to you guys from the incident, I’d say
Careos Ordo > They might have been worried the drones would attack, or they did on accident…something.
Marlenus > And I never take offense at getting shot at
Careos Ordo > Interesting business you guys run there.
Careos Ordo > I still don’t know how your indy was able to take out a mining barge.
Marlenus > Heh, that’s actually no secret
Careos Ordo > it is to me, obviously
Marlenus > The blockade runner is not an indy, it’s a transport…
Marlenus > …and it has fitting for a heavy missile launcher
Careos Ordo > oh, my guys reported an indy
Marlenus > It’s basically a cruiser with one gun
Careos Ordo > gotcha.

There was more, but that’s the gist. A perfectly civil, careful diplomatic contact that’s a credit to their corporation. Why am I mentioning it here? Because it underscores what I love about flying the blockade runners. There isn’t an industrial in the game that can launch heavy missiles, but when people see me coming, all they can see is “harmless indy” and it’s an impression so strong, it colors their perceptions even after they’ve flown home in a pod.

Of course, that Retriever would have died just as fast to a well-fit BattleBadger or your basic Iteron-of-Doom; I’m not trying to slight those time-honored (and funny as hell) combat platforms. I’m just saying. People see what they expect to see.

Saw something in the belts I’d never seen today: a Retriever mining barge flying Tech II combat drones. With a jet can, out, of course.

I was out of position, so he had plenty of time to see me coming in on his can. He targeted me early. He wants to fight, eh?

I flipped the can, putting what I could in my hold. He scoops his drones.

What?

Yes, he scooped his drones. But, he’s also flashing red. I dunno, maybe he took from the Ironfleet can.

Doesn’t matter, I pound him.

Just before he pops, he decides to launch his drones again. Nice, that way they aren’t at risk in the explosion.

Also just before he pops, he gets a Merlin warping in for reinforcement. I don’t want to get scrambled and held for further reinforcements, but I’m not all that worried; so I looted up, scooped the Hobgoblin IIs, and made my departure.

2008.12.31 19:11:00

Victim: Angellis Ketatsu
Corp: The Careos Syndicate
Alliance: NONE
Faction: NONE
Destroyed: Retriever
System: [redacted]
Security: 0.7
Damage Taken: 2807

Involved parties:

Name: Marlenus (laid the final blow)
Security: 1.2
Corp: Ironfleet Towing And Salvage
Alliance: Tear Extraction And Reclamation Service
Faction: NONE
Ship: Crane
Weapon: Havoc Fury Heavy Missile
Damage Done: 2807

Destroyed items:

Strip Miner I
Pyroxeres, Qty: 10837 (Cargo)
Expanded Cargohold II

Dropped items:

Strip Miner I
Expanded Cargohold II
Small Shield Booster I

It’s amazing what I find in my hangars, sometimes.

I was down in Nourvokaiken, cleaning out a hangar full of “old junky stuff”. This stuff came from two places. Some of it’s ancient mission loot that I salvaged for a friend in another corp — he’d run the missions and I’d do the loot/salvage duty. Usually I dumped the melty junk into his hangars via contract for his industrial people to refine, but after his corp went moribund, I found a few station containers full in various places that I consolidated in Nourv while I was based there during the early days of Faction Warfare.

The rest of the junk is stuff I hastily salvaged during Faction Warfare. As you can imagine, salvage during battles is very tricky — often I’d just grab the stuff out of wrecks that went floating by, while trying to maintain fleet formation and not be the last guy to warp with the bubble. Usually I inspected the stuff with great interest, but sometimes, I was busy.

So, I was sorting junk tonight. And guess what I found, in an old wooden crate full of miscellaneous battleship guns and broken shell casings?

1x Domination 1200MM Artillery.

In two and a half years of playing this game, I’ve accumulated precisely four faction modules. And yet, somehow I managed to bung this one into my hangar without ever noticing it?

Mind you, I’ve got no current use for this. Maybe Jim Bridger will shoot large arties someday. And I can’t tell how much it’s worth; right now there are two WTB contracts for one up for minor millions, and one guy wants to sell three of them for 225 million total. So that’s the brackets on the price range, somewhere between 15 and 75 million. It’s not a gamechanging find, or anything.

But still, you should have seen my face when I scraped the old grease crust off the nameplate with my multi-tool and saw what I had.

Sometimes the simple pleasures are best.

I was in a system where I don’t have a cloaked Prowler yet, so I was prowling the old fashioned way, in one of my beloved combat Cranes. Found an old-school Covetor mining barge, mining neatly into two numbered jet cans.

They consolidated nicely into one full jet can plus the hold of my Crane.

Covetor pilot left quietly, presumably to get a bigger meaner ship.

So I left too. Came back in an ugly Ferox I like to call the Iron Crowbar. It’s fitted for belt bullying work, to be honest, so it’s a bit LOLwhut for combat. But it looks real mean.

When I got back, the Covetor pilot had returned in a Caracal.

While he was thinking about what to do (in his shoes, I’d have blown the Ironfleet can and left) I put the Ironfleet can on the tractor and began relocating it away from any likely warp-in points. I guess he was too attached to “his” ore to do that.

Instead, the Caracal pilot left, then shortly thereafter logged or left the system.

I went home for a Bustard, which made one quick trip of bringing home the ore. Neat, clean, and profitable!

So, as you know I don’t mission much, but I’ve got a Cerberus fitted for that purpose that I used during my one big push to get jump clones before Faction Warfare. And lately I’ve been messing about in the Cosmos mission complexes.

Well, the mission Cerb is not well fitted for salvage. It’s slow and only has one salvager aboard, no room for a tractor beam. Which means, I do sometimes leave wrecks behind.

After docking to stow the cargo from the salvage project in the previous post, when I returned to the complex front door area, there was a Kestrel flashing red to me.

Now, I’ve got nothing against an ambitious two-month-old character in a salvage Kestrel. Been there, done that, have several tee-shirts.

But: there is a food chain. And I, scavenger though I may be, am higher up it. Commence firing!

This, basically, is an alertness test; the Cerb doesn’t lock frigates particularly fast, I’m shooting standard Scourge heavy missiles at a small target, and today I’m packing no tackle gear fitted whatsoever. This guy could leave.

This guy should leave.

This guy probably doesn’t have the reactions or the reflexes. Perhaps his fear is insufficient. Whatever, he fails to leave. He blows up.

It took three volleys of missiles:

2008.12.27 20:00:00

Victim: BURBALKIN
Corp: School of Applied Knowledge
Alliance: NONE
Faction: NONE
Destroyed: Kestrel
System: [redacted]
Security: 0.5
Damage Taken: 1079

Involved parties:

Name: Marlenus (laid the final blow)
Security: 1.2
Corp: Ironfleet Towing And Salvage
Alliance: Tear Extraction And Reclamation Service
Faction: NONE
Ship: Cerberus
Weapon: Scourge Heavy Missile
Damage Done: 962

Name: COSMOS Caldari Destructor / Unknown
Damage Done: 117

Destroyed items:

Foxfire Rocket, Qty: 100 (Cargo)
Bloodclaw Light Missile, Qty: 97 (Cargo)
Outlaw Spur, Qty: 5 (Cargo)
Hobgoblin I (Cargo)
Medium Shield Booster I
Standard Missile Launcher I
Piranha Light Missile, Qty: 100 (Cargo)

Dropped items:

Expanded Cargohold I
Bloodclaw Light Missile, Qty: 28
Firefly F.O.F. Light Missile I, Qty: 100 (Cargo)
Target Painter I
Thorium Charge S, Qty: 100 (Cargo)
Cold-Gas I Arcjet Thrusters
Sabretooth Light Missile, Qty: 100 (Cargo)
Bandit Spur, Qty: 4 (Cargo)

There was a Drake present, of similar name, who locked me immediately while I looted and salvaged; I thought perhaps he’d Concord himself, but alas, no such luck.

I’ve been told that salvage in most complexes is nerfed and sucky, and that’s been true in the lower-level ones I’ve seen. But I was in a 3/10 today where the salvage was excellent.

At least, excellent if you count the player wrecks. Most notable was a Minmater Elite Frigate wreck, with Russian name, that gave me nine million ISK worth of T2 salvage (including an incredibly rare Intact Armor Plate) plus three T2 guns and some more useful T2 fittings and ammo. Dude was fitting T2 Power Diagnostics to keep those guns fed, but he was mixing 280mm howitzers and autocannon. Is that ever a good idea?

Yes, folks, Santa Clause has shit down my chimney:

Worse yet, I probably deserved it. Pride goeth before a fall. I was tempting the gods with my hubris, and picking on the weak at the same time. All the laws of justice cried out for my blood. Which was duly delivered, in a bucket. [Afterthought edit: A bucket with little paper umbrella decorations and naked lady swizzle sticks.]

I came upon a Catalyst destroyer, mining in a belt. A newbie, we might assume. But all veldspar spends the same.

The newbie, DanceofDeath, is a member of Astrodynamic Innovations [ADIN], which doesn’t mean anything to me. He’s been a member less than a day, so I figure, probably one of the little corps that — like Ironfleet, so I don’t mean anything bad by this — infest high sec. No worries, guys like that never seem to get the backup they need.

Irate note to self: There’s no damn hurry. There’s always time to check local to see how much potential backup the miners have. ALWAYS. You dumb arrogant fuck.

Ore. Not very much. My cargo hold. Align for departure. He’s flying a mining drone, does this guy even have a gun?

Er, yes. I can tell because he’s shooting an asteroid now.

That’s always comedy gold, in large part because I can remember doing that myself once in a fit of newbie panic.

This I’ve never seen before: now he’s shooting a DIFFERENT asteroid. I’m laughing now.

Finally he targets me, and starts shooting me. Not so funny now; I lock him up and lock him down and begin introducing him to the concept of the heavy missile.

Which goes quickly and smoothly. He goes boom, I open his wreck and loot the components, it’s time to go…

Ouch. There’s a Harbinger battle cruiser standing on my head and shooting at me with very ugly lasers. I never saw him arrive. Was he cloaked? Or, more likely, was I too intent on my easy kill?

Boy, he sure got here fast. It only goes to prove, even newbies can have big brothers.

And this guy’s big brother has got my head in the toilet and his foot on the back of my head. I’m webbed, I’m warp scrambled, and I’m melting so fast I don’t think my speed (such as it is, under the web) is going to save me. Does this swirly even come with a flush?

It doesn’t:

2008.12.25 03:52:00

Victim: Marlenus
Corp: Ironfleet Towing And Salvage
Alliance: Tear Extraction And Reclamation Service
Faction: NONE
Destroyed: Prowler
System: [redacted]
Security: 0.7
Damage Taken: 5914

Involved parties:

Name: Deadzero (laid the final blow)
Security: 5.0
Corp: Astrodynamic Innovations
Alliance: Strength in Numbers.
Faction: NONE
Ship: Harbinger
Weapon: Heavy Pulse Laser II
Damage Done: 4946

Name: DanceofDeath
Security: 0.1
Corp: Astrodynamic Innovations
Alliance: Strength in Numbers.
Faction: NONE
Ship: Capsule
Weapon: Light Ion Blaster I
Damage Done: 968

Destroyed items:

Ballistic Control System II
Nanomechanical CPU Enhancer I (Cargo)
Capacitor Control Circuit I, Qty: 2
Plutonium Charge S, Qty: 703 (Cargo)
Caldari Navy Thunderbolt Heavy Missile (Cargo)
Medium Shield Booster II
Concentrated Veldspar, Qty: 1200 (Cargo)
Havoc Fury Heavy Missile, Qty: 200 (Cargo)
‘Smokescreen’ Covert Ops Cloaking Device II
Veldspar, Qty: 2838 (Cargo)
Havoc Precision Heavy Missile, Qty: 200 (Cargo)

Dropped items:

Ballistic Control System II
Heavy Missile Launcher II
Small Shield Booster I (Cargo)
Thunderbolt Fury Heavy Missile, Qty: 200 (Cargo)
Y-S8 Hydrocarbon I Afterburners
Nanomechanical CPU Enhancer I (Cargo)
Caldari Navy Havoc Heavy Missile, Qty: 31
Caldari Navy Havoc Heavy Missile, Qty: 153 (Cargo)
Plutonium Charge S, Qty: 69 (Cargo)
EP-S Gaussian I Excavation Pulse (Cargo)
Caldari Navy Thunderbolt Heavy Missile, Qty: 176 (Cargo)
Depleted Uranium S, Qty: 962 (Cargo)
Faint Warp Disruptor I
Thunderbolt Precision Heavy Missile, Qty: 200 (Cargo)
Veldspar, Qty: 5012 (Cargo)
Tungsten Charge S, Qty: 100 (Cargo)

Yes, boys and girls, that IS my shiny new ‘Smokescreen’ Covert Ops Cloaking Device II you see there on the destroyed items list. Thanks for asking.

I don’t think my most expensive ship hull, with rigs, cost as much as that one module. Maybe my Cerberus, at the price I paid for it back in the day, if I’d bought the rigs on the open market; certainly, nothing else I own even comes close.

I had that cloak for five hours and forty-six minutes. Hmm, let’s see, that’s what work out to? 434,000 ISK per minute, give or take? A little over seven thousand ISK a second?

Hookers and blow would have been a bloody BARGAIN by comparison.

Moving on. I can, if I want to, afford half a dozen more ships just like that one; it met the definition of “can afford to fly it.” But still, ouchies. The last time I lost a blockade runner, it was a Crane, to a guy named Girin, in a Cyclone, and it was before I started this blog, way back on January 12, 2007. Of course, I’d have lived this time (maybe) if the blockade runners still had two points of warp strength; much though I love the cloaking, I paid for it tonight. This is only the third Blockade Runner I’ve lost in my EVE career — so wouldn’t you know I’d lose it five hours after fitting a module that could buy four more with enough left over for TII fittings all around?

That’s what makes EVE so strange and wonderful and terrible.

Just for giggles, here’s the entire combat log after the Harbinger arrived, so you can enjoy the extreme brevity of the face-melting I endured:

(combat) Deadzero [ADIN] (Harbinger) hits you, doing 520.8 damage.
(combat) Deadzero [ADIN] (Harbinger) hits you, doing 869.8 damage.
(combat) Deadzero [ADIN] (Harbinger) hits you, doing 670.5 damage.
(combat) Deadzero [ADIN] (Harbinger) hits you, doing 493.3 damage.
(notify) Warping to Stargate ([redacted])
(notify) External factors are preventing your warp drive from responding to this command.
(combat) Deadzero [ADIN] (Harbinger) aims well at you, inflicting 859.3 damage.
(combat) Deadzero [ADIN] (Harbinger) hits you, doing 1533.1 damage.
(notify) Ship is out of control

It’s still an hour short of Christmas, in my time zone; I think I’ll go to Jita and buy myself another present.