As predicted, The Griefer’s Alliance withdrew its war declaration against Ironfleet yesterday, without having landed a single shot on any Ironfleet vessel. (I think they fired a few from extreme range, but I’m not sure.)

So the bold newbie killers from The Griefer’s Alliance actually came and found me today, as I was tooling about in an unarmed Heron doing some exploration. Naturally enough I docked, and went on about my business on another computer screen, curious how patient they’d be.

Inevitably, we conversed in local. Tiny sample:

Philix > Dude ... come on even you know smack talks ghey
Marlenus > And blowing up Ibises for a living is what, exactly?

Needless to say, he moved rapidly on to the topic of my obvious cowardice, based on my failure to to come out and fight three battlecruisers with my trusty probe launcher in one high slot and my salvager in the other.

These are some bleedin’ heros, I tell you.

So yesterday they declare war, last night I got a stomach flu that put me in a foul mood, and today I get a convo from the official shakedown man for The Griefer’s Alliance. Of course, he’s just trying to help me, by making me an offer I can’t refuse.

Only, I can:

korlel > hi
Marlenus > Hello
korlel > lokk mate i cant be botherd with tihs war
Marlenus > So drop it already?
Marlenus > *I* didn't start it.
korlel > my co wont
Marlenus > LOL, get a better corp?
Marlenus > Because you guys are just lame anyway
korlel > but i have some say in this corp
korlel > look mate dont think where weak
Marlenus > I've seen all the ibises on the killboard, you can't be weak if you can slaughter ibises
Marlenus > Zero respect here, that's just how it is
korlel > cool
korlel > im not here to pick a fight
Marlenus > No, you guys already picked it. So, what can I do for you?
korlel > look im here behind my co's back
korlel > he dont know im talking to u
Marlenus > And you want...?
korlel > im trying to sort it out
Marlenus > I'm listening, but this war is all you guys, don't really see what I can do to help "sort it out"
korlel > you can help alot it's only u that can help
Marlenus > Yes?
korlel > 200mil and ur free
Marlenus > LOL, LOL, LOL, no
korlel > you like sitting in a station
Marlenus > You guys never leave Kisogo
Marlenus > And I am very mobile
Marlenus > You'll never see me if I don't want you to
Marlenus > And I'll never give you any sport
korlel > lol
Marlenus > This war dec has ZERO effect on me
Marlenus > Eventually you'll get tired of paying the bill and drop it, everyone does
Marlenus > I don't do PvP
Marlenus > So, that would be "no."
korlel > lmao
korlel > we have been to ur hq
Marlenus > I've seen your killboard, you don't have a single kill outside the newbie areas
korlel > we can find u anywhere in eve
Marlenus > Sure you can, and when you do, I'll be nine jumps away. Have fun with that.
Marlenus > Oh, sure, I might lob a few missiles at you from extreme range on days when I'm bored, but I don't take my ships in harm's way, never have.
Marlenus > With warp to zero and a good set of bookmarks, you can't hurt me if I don't want to fight
Marlenus > And I don't
Marlenus > This is not my first wardec
Marlenus > I'm a salvager, we're not popular
Marlenus > But nobody's ever had any joy out of me
Marlenus > One guy even hired Murder Death Kill to come after me, they never even managed to get in the same local grid as me
Marlenus > The war is a joke and a waste of your money, even if you were'nt a bunch of newbie-popping self-confessed griefers.
korlel > lkk at killbord again ull notice a few names on there
Marlenus > Sorry, but you simply don't have any credibility, too many dead Ibises on your killboard
Marlenus > It was seven Ibises out of ten kills last time I looked
korlel > maybe but that is a few members of this cor and even the aliance
Marlenus > Including your ceo
korlel > he helps us
Marlenus > You need *help* popping newbies?
Marlenus > This just gets funnier and funnier
korlel > it would cost more to get mercs in
Marlenus > Look, you're wasting my time. Ironfleet does not pay tribute, never has, never will. And we don't respect newbie killers. So drop the wardec if you don't want the war, or don't drop it, but I don't have much more to say on the subject.
korlel > look at our wars we havent lost
Marlenus > You're not going to *lose* this one either, because I'm not going to fight. It takes two to tango. But you're not going to *win*, either.
Marlenus > You're just wasting your money, and I might get lucky, that destroyer of Pacca's will pop pretty quick if I catch him at the right heavy missile range.
korlel > ok fine i tried to help you
Marlenus > LOL, extortion demands are not "help"
Marlenus > Ironfleet out

I checked these boys out earlier today, they were hanging around Kisogo in three battlecruisers and a destroyer. Ironfleet doesn’t have the combat power to engage them, but it doesn’t matter; they’d have to hunt me for weeks to catch me, and they won’t give up that much newbie-popping.

LOL, I’ve had war declared upon me by an outfit called The Griefer’s Alliance. Looking at their public killboard, sounds like the name sure fits! As of this moment, seven of their ten most recent ship kills are…wait for it…Ibises.

Phear the mighty newbie slayers!

Update: Note that these lamers don’t show Ibis kills on the the front page of their killboard. But if you follow the “Stats” link to this page, you get to see the more honest presentation in all its Ibis-killing glory.

Overheard in local:


Barathrum > Woe Sin is a thief!
Woe Sin > Why yes. Thank you.
Woe Sin > A guy's got to earn a living somehow.
Barathrum > Glad you admit to it
Barathrum > What a punk. I wasn't goona shoot at you if you had asked
Woe Sin > Asked? Asked what? I'm a thief, not a driveling supplicant.

You wouldn’t think a cargo ship should tangle with cruisers. But my Crane, as it happens, can fit a heavy missile launcher, and it’s a tough ship.

Today was typical. Warp into a belt, spot a fellow named Pooterhead mining in an Osprey. Near him was a jettisoned can, named to be a challenge: “Touch this can and die” or some such. Prophetic, as it happens.

Motor up to the can, dump the contents into my hold. Pew pew pew, he’s locking me. I can hear the pinging noise Bloodclaw light missiles make bouncing off my shields. Nope, I don’t need to turn on my shield booster, he’s barely ahead of my shield recharge rate. Turn on the warp scrambler, turn on the heavy missile launcher. He’s toast, he just doesn’t know it yet. Eventually, pop:


2007.01.24 21:42
Victim: Pooterhead
Alliance: NONE
Corp: QUANT Corp.
Destroyed: Osprey
System: [redacted]
Security: 0.7
Involved parties:
Name: Marlenus (laid the final blow)
Security: 1.0
Alliance: NONE
Corp: Ironfleet Towing And Salvage
Ship: Crane
Weapon: Havoc Heavy Missile
Name: Guristas Imputor / Guristas


Destroyed items:
XeCl Drilling Beam I
XeCl Drilling Beam I
Bloodclaw Light Missile, Qty: 57

Aside from an entirely fair “Fuck you”, Pooterhead turned out not to be a smacker. From local, just after:


Pooterhead > FUck You
Rooker > ?
Pooterhead > came up, stole m,y ore, then scrammed and killed me
Griel > welcome to eve, n00b
Rooker > don't shoot back at things larger than you in a mining ship
Rooker > or shoot at*
Pooterhead > he was in a badger...forgot the t2s can have launchers =/
Marlenus > Don't feel bad, everyone forgets that
Pooterhead > lol
Rooker > haha.... battle badger ftw
Lagerstars > lol
Marlenus > It's too much fun *not* to do
Pooterhead > man, people down in 0.0 where i was for the last week r nicer then up here =)
Marlenus > I'm plenty nice to people who don't shoot at me
Marlenus > LOL, I'm not sure it's yours once you jettison it
Pooterhead > man, i knew i shoulda hauled at 2.5 k =/
Rooker > jetcan in amarr or gallente space. rarely anybody bothers you
Rooker > too many people in caldari space
Pooterhead > w/e i get my bc skill in 2.5 hrs
Marlenus > Suggestion? Don't name your cans to be a challenge, it makes it harder to pass them up
Pooterhead > lol
Pooterhead > it was made to ward off frigs
Rooker > another suggestion. T2 drones + 2pt scram
Rooker > ceptor thieves love it :)
Marlenus > Ah, I see. ;-) Two limos launchers probably would deal with frigs
Pooterhead > im workin on t2 drones as soon as i get my ferox up and running
Marlenus > Although it's hard to salvage enough ore in a frig to be worth the time, I'd think
Pooterhead > ud be suprised, ive had ibis take my ore lmao
Marlenus > LOL, I prefer to move the stuff in industrial quantities
Pooterhead > yea me 2 but mining with one highslot in a badger takes WEEKS

Notable salvage proceeds: ore, plus a pair of Upgraded Limos light missile launchers.

Hi there, Jim Bridger here. I’m a younger corp member, and my specialty is flying destroyers. My goal is to max every skill that can improve destroyer performance. Yeah, I’ve got a least a year to go before I’m even close.

Meanwhile, how do you salvage in a destroyer? Simple, mount a tractor beam. When you’ve got more salvage than will fit in the destroyer cargo, just bung it in a jet can and carry the jetcan on tow. When you’re done, just call Marlenus and ask for a BFB pickup. (BFB stands for Big Fuckin’ Bustard.)

So, my second ship kill ever. I’m salvaging loose ore that was floating around the belts in jetcans, have most of a jetcan full in tow. Marlenus in the BFB has not yet arrived.

This Iteron V shows up, flown by one Everecc. Danged if he didn’t lumber out of warp, take one look at me in my Thrasher bristling with guns, and open up on me with his single 75mm popgun.

By the time I stopped laughing, it was all over. Dig this killmail:


2006.09.27 22:20
Victim: Everecc
Alliance: NONE
Corp: The Scope
Destroyed: Iteron Mark V
System: [redacted]
Security: 0.7
Involved parties:
Name: Jim Bridger (laid the final blow)
Security: 0.0
Alliance: NONE
Corp: Ironfleet Towing And Salvage
Ship: Thrasher
Weapon: 250mm Light 'Scout' Artillery I

Destroyed items:
Expanded Cargohold I
Small 'Ghoul' Energy Siphon I
75mm Gatling Rail I
Civilian Shield Booster I
Civilian Shield Booster I
Civilian Shield Booster I
Pyroxeres, Qty: 3194 (Cargo)
Pyroxeres, Qty: 3193 (Cargo)
Condensed Scordite, Qty: 6946 (Cargo)
Concentrated Veldspar, Qty: 9581 (Cargo)
Concentrated Veldspar, Qty: 9588 (Cargo)
Concentrated Veldspar, Qty: 9581 (Cargo)
Dense Veldspar, Qty: 2035 (Cargo)

Yes, you’re reading that right — Everecc’s menacing battle Iteron was fitted with three (count them, three) civilian shield boosters.

Hi, folks, Marlenus here, CEO of Ironfleet and the guy you’ll hear from most at Ironfleet.com.

I’m a bit of an odd duck when it comes to ship preferences. I like cargo ships. The bigger the better.

My favorite thing to do with cargo ships is to scoop stuff, usually stuff that other people left floating in space. (You would be amazed at the goodies people leave floating in space.)

So there I was, conducting my daily sweep of the belts in my home system of the hour, when what to my wondering eye should appear but a bunch of frigates, mining into a pair of Giant Secure Cans. Only these were Giant Insecure Cans, because their navigation lights were flashing green.

Worthy salvage for Ironfleet.

A quick bookmark and warp to zero later: *scoop* *scoop* and Ironfleet is richer by two expensive containers and about 6000 cubic meters of Azure Plagioclase.

Initial response from former owners was confused but polite:


TheJudge UK > whats the point in that
Marlenus > I'm sorry?
TheJudge UK > well give the stuff back
Marlenus > I don't understand.
TheJudge UK > is that all you want to do is steal others containers
Marlenus > All? Steal? By no means. But salvaging loose cans is indeed a favorite activity of mine.
TheJudge UK > those cans where ours abd they where anchored
Marlenus > Sorry friend, if they were anchored I could not have scooped them
TheJudge UK > it sucks you want to take 500,000.00 worth of can from next to us
TheJudge UK > holding 1000,000.00 worth ore
Marlenus > Next to you had nothing to do with it, I sweep these belts every day for lost and jettisoned items, I scoop them all. I'm a salvager, it's what I do.
TheJudge UK > maybe thats a side of the game we dont see
Marlenus > I think so
TheJudge UK > we have only been paying 4 days
Marlenus > You need anchoring skill to use those cans safely, then nobody can touch them
TheJudge UK > we didnt expect all our stuff that we mined to be robbed
Marlenus > Alas, you didn't anchor, you may have thought you did but you didn't
TheJudge UK > we did
TheJudge UK > with passwords
Marlenus > You should expect *anything* you jettison to be removed unless you anchor it.
Marlenus > The password controls who can open the can
Marlenus > You need to right click and "launch for corp" or "launch for self" in order to anchor
TheJudge UK > obviously we need to understand more
TheJudge UK > thanks
Marlenus > Good luck!
TheJudge UK > cheers
Marlenus > Ironfleet out

It went downhill from there. I begin getting smacky convos:


TD MADEYE > im going to destroy your fuckin ship
Marlenus > You should have shot when you had the chance? I waited....
TD MADEYE > dont worry your gonna get it
Marlenus > Thank you friend, indeed I shan't worry


Suddenly I’m being trailed by several frigates and a couple of destroyers, all of them locking me. Not sure what their plan is — I’m not flashing red to anyone — but the smack in local is getting hot. Retarded, but hot. Sample:


Aaeko > ran away eh?
Marlenus > LOL, I sat there for ten minutes waiting for you guys to do something, then I went back to salvaging
TD MADEYE > as soon as we had you in range you warped pussy
TD MADEYE > what you did was not salvage it was stealing
Marlenus > Matter of opinion
TD MADEYE > we were there mining and you stole our shit
Marlenus > I scooped some unanchored cans, it's true.
Marlenus > But I do that every day, I keep the local belts clean
TD FITZ > so fuck off from here asshole
Marlenus > LOL, I *live* here, this is my home system

And then TheJudge could restrain himself no longer. Under the watchful eye of Concord — who were actually present in the belt at that moment, due to some unknown earlier mishap — I see:


(notify) TheJudge UK (Merlin) has started trying to warp scramble you.
(notify) CONCORD Police Officer has started trying to warp scramble TheJudge UK (Merlin)
(notify) CONCORD Police Commander has started trying to warp scramble TheJudge UK (Merlin)

There followed an enormous kaboom. And Merlin fittings to salvage.

And oh, my, the smack:


TD FITZ > i hope i meet ur sister out here some day and fuck her like u did 2 us asshole
TD FITZ > thats 2 u marlenus
Marlenus > Oh my, really?
TD FITZ > oh my yes
Marlenus > It worked for The Judge
TD FITZ > he was looking at ur mother
Marlenus > Perhaps next time he should look at his instrument panel, hmm?
TD FITZ > ask ur mon she knows
Aaeko > rofl
Marlenus > Yes, we are rolling on the floor at that cuttting bit of incisive wit.
TD FITZ > yea he fucks sheep 2
Aaeko > Bahhhhh

...

TD FITZ > u like 2 get fuck in the ass
Marlenus > He has *two*, count them TWO, insults in his repertoire!
TD FITZ > i got more
Marlenus > Don't strain yourself, I don't think you've worn these two out yet
TD FITZ > ur sihp looks like a cow u like 2 fuck cows
Marlenus > Whoo, I am humiliated now
TD FITZ > ur mom looks likes a cow
Aaeko > Hey got a container here for you Marlenus, Its full of your mothers shitty knickers.
TD FITZ > and ur sister
TD FITZ > its true then
Harris Hharav > bad form people
Marlenus > But Harris, they're having so much fun!
TD FITZ > he started
TD FITZ > we r we r
Marlenus > LOL, check the logs, the smack didn't start here
DadVer20 > marlenus i must say sorry for them i tryed to explain to the you suffer from a small penis
TD FITZ > it started when u stole our shit
TheJudge UK > OMG can you come and get you mum she has shit her self again
TheJudge UK > get the fuck off me bitch
Marlenus > Boys, the level of banter isn't really high enough to keep me interested, so I'm going AFK a bit. Don't let that stop you, though, I'm sure you have reserves of scatology you've not yet plumbed.


And that’s a typical few minute’s work for Ironfleet. (Although, to be fair, I usually get a better quality of smack, these guys were hindered by limited vocabulary and even more limited imagination.)

Hello and welcome! The intent of this blog is to introduce Ironfleet to curious parties, accumulate handy Eve Online links in one place for the convenience of Ironfleet members and the general public, and preserve for posterity the history of the corporation in anecdotal form. (Which is a fancy way of saying we’ll post the odd killmail, along with entertaining chatlogs and the choicest bits of smack.)

As of this writing Ironfleet is a few days more than eight months old.