Jim Bridger here. By popular demand of the corp minions, Marlenus signed Ironfleet Towing And Salvage up for factional warfare, on the side of the Caldari (my CEO he may be, but he’s still a fascist bastard and slaver-lover, what can ya do?)

He’s not much inclined to play with the new FW stuff — not enough rewards, and he does too much hauling into all four empires to want perma faction loss — but he was willing, at least temporarily, to put the corp on a war footing and let slip the dogs of war (woof). He was even kind enough to stock the Ironfleet hangars with a bottomless pile of frigates and a round half-dozen Thrashers for me. There must be twenty sets of destroyer guns in cheap second-best-named flavors, and they’d all melt down trying to fire the enormous cans full of ammo he’s stockpiled. Turns out the Old Man is a paranoid sumbitch who doesn’t believe in shopping or hauling when there’s a war on, y’know? So, war material we got.

I myself have a ton of destroyer skills, but damn little actual PvP experience. So faction warfare seems like a nice cheap way to get some.

Logged in this morning, found myself at the edge of the war zone, checked my militia office, set my destination for a contested system. Off I went.

The militia chat was full of noise about a huge furball in Tama, but I was on the wrong side, with an enemy gate camp between me and the main fleet. So I went to this other contested system, or tried to.

Along the way, I found a contested system (one of ours) that had nobody in it but me, so I went to the beacon and captured it for the Caldari. Got some militia faction for my boring ten minutes of orbiting, and the system stopped being contested.

Found a nice wrecked Ferox (one of ours) with several thousand Tech II heavy missiles in it, and a best named warp disruptor; so I salvaged those, and docked them in the next system I came to that had a station.

Long story short, finally got to the system they said was contested back at the militia office. Their intel was old by the time I got there; it was firmly in Gallente hands and there were, oh, about a bazillion red stars in local chat. I therefore resolved to return whence I cameth.

Jumped through gate out of death stars central. While aligning for next warp, a red star in a newbie ship came warping in and stopped, 15km from gate. Bait, or noob?

Firing all guns!

Bait ship popped before all guns were activated. And then things went to shit.

I never really saw what hit me or where they came from; I think an enemy fleet must have followed me through the gate while I was sniffing the bait. All I know is, the sky filled with flashy reds and hungry drones, I exploded, my pod exploded, and it was all over. Free pwny ride for Mr. Bridger.

I just checked, there were ten different Gallente Federation scums in on my kill. But only six of them contributed to my pod-squishing.

It was overkill so bad it was funny, and fun as well. I never expected to survive; I don’t know what I’m doing in PvP, but I know enough to know that roaming around alone in a destroyer in lowsec is not survivable, even without hostile militia fleets setting traps. I just wanted to see the elephant. And boy, did I!

So I woke up in my clone bay … at the noob station of my birth, deep in (enemy) Minmitar space. Oops, should have moved the clone!

Go to undock. “It’s scum like you who’ve ruined your own lands, you’ll not ruin mine!” (Not a perfect quote, but you get the idea.) By the time I got control of my newbship after it squirted free of the station, it was being pounded by the Minnie faction navy. I went to kindergarten with those boys, but I guess they have their orders.

By the time my newbship made warp, I was into armor. From there it was a hot and hostile set of warps back to “friendly” territory, but nobody shot again before I could warp.

When I finally hit friendly territory, I did find an enemy newbship wreck and an enemy pod, drifting where the ship got blasted on jump-in. Was the pod pilot AFK? One way to find out!

Turns out a civilian gun only does two or three points of damage per shot, to a pod, and apparently the pod pilot was not far from his keyboard, because he warped out after about a dozen shots.

So now I’m back in the Ironfleet hangar, my clone is moved into the local clonevats, and I’m kicking the heat dissipation vanes on all these used Thrashers Marlenus bought, trying to decide which one gets blown up next.

For as long as I have been flying the Crane blockade runner in Q-ship mode, it’s been my ambition to blow up a Hulk mining barge, if I could ever find one whose pilot thought he could safely shoot at the “helpless hauler”.

Of course, that goes back to the days when Hulks cost half a billion ISK or more, and aggressive Hulk pilots were hard to find. And in any event, the few times I’ve tangled with Hulks, the battles have been inconclusive — I’ve had a DPS shortage, or the Hulk pilot called in reinforcements, or the Hulk pilot managed to get away when I was short of cap to hold him or her down.

So tonight is a proud night in the annals of Ironfleet. Eventually the word is gonna get out — you really shouldn’t shoot at Ironfleet Towing And Salvage unless you’re ready to kill what you’re shooting at. That helpless hauler? Eh, not so much as it turns out:

2008.06.08 03:25:00

Victim: maddhatter
Alliance: Wildly Inappropriate.
Corp: Draconic Industries
Destroyed: Hulk
System: [redacted]
Security: 0.5
Damage Taken: 5692

Involved parties:

Name: Marlenus (laid the final blow)
Security: 1.4
Alliance: NONE
Corp: Ironfleet Towing And Salvage
Ship: Crane
Weapon: Havoc Fury Heavy Missile
Damage Done: 5692

Destroyed items:

Strip Miner I, Qty: 2
Plagioclase, Qty: 12088 (Cargo)
Expanded Cargohold II

Dropped items:

Strip Miner I
Expanded Cargohold II
Solid Pyroxeres, Qty: 7050 (Cargo)

A few highlights of information about the encounter:

  • When I warped in on Maddhatter’s jet can, he was being met and “serviced” by an unaffiliated alt in an Iteron. So I found the can empty, except for one unit of ore. (Which, of course, I salvaged from where it lay drifting, dangerously, among the stars.) Key point: Maddhatter risked his Hulk to punish the loss of one (count it with me, ONE!) unit of plagioclase.
  • The drones he launched were a full flight of Tech I Hammerheads. That was a relief. He never came close to breaking my tank with those. If he’d launched Tech II drones, I know from bitter experience that it would have been a much closer fight, at best.
  • It took me eighteen heavy EM missiles (Caldari Navy Thunderbolts) to break his shields. I then paused to reload with Havoc Furies (explosive) to finish him off. That took eleven more shots. Note from the killmail that this Hulk was tanked to factory specification, without any additional aftermarket tanking equipment installed. I assume it’s trivial to tank a Hulk so that it cannot lose to a blockade runner transport mounting one heavy missile launcher, but this pilot did not avail himself of his tanking options.
  • Maddhatter has been playing this game since June 16 in the Year Of Our Lord Two Thousand and Three. In other words: for just one week short of five long years. Although there have been subsequent employment excursions, Maddhatter joined the current corp (the first time) in 2004. So this does not “feel” like an eBayed character, despite the Tech I drones, the lack of tank, and the dangerously aggressive flying.
  • After the Hulk went “kaboom”, Maddhatter warped silently away, without smack or communique. The alt hauler laboriously closed up on the wreck (slower than me, so I got the modules that dropped in the wreck) and was still snuggled up against it (attempting to salvage?) when I came back in a different salvage vessel to salvage the wreck parts. Disappointingly: “(notify) You successfully salvage from the Gallente Elite Mining Barge Wreck. Unfortunately there was nothing to be salvaged. “

My only regret, in all of this, is that I cannot be a fly on the wall in corp chat as Maddhatter attempts to explain how (and more importantly, WHY) he lost his hulk to a guy in a hauler.

The Faction Warfare expansion patch is hitting next week, and of course we’re all curious how that will turn out. Right now, it doesn’t look so good; based on the test server and the dev blogs to date, it will be going live without any rewards except for faction standing and some badges/ranks that don’t do anything. The new faction ships are priced too high to make sense (as CCP admits, with a promise of future price rationalization), there isn’t anything else of interest in the faction militia LP stores, the new rats don’t drop much loot (though they do drop tags, for whatever that’s worth), and the missions… ouch.

Yes, the missions, which ask you to jump twenty or thirty jumps (round trip) through hostile gatecamps, then (if you correctly guessed the ship size limits for the mission) fight NPCs in deadspace while a system-wide beacon invites hostile militia to come and interfere with you. For rewards that are currently worse than zero-to-one jump PVE missions in high sec. And not just worse, but much worse. (Yes, they are supposed to auto-adjust — but unless the upper bounds are stunningly high, there’s no way they can auto-adjust high enough to compensate for all that pain.)

Now, I myself am disappointed by these early indications, but perfectly content to wait and see (1) whether things might look better after release, and (2) whether they get tweaked later to make the whole system attractive to the casual player (who needs something more than we’re seeing now, to compensate for loss of access to half of high sec.) However, other people are ranting. I really enjoyed the punchline to this rant about the horrid horrid mission rewards:

I JUST WENT TO FREAKING HELL AND BACK AND ALL YOU GONNA GIVE ME IS A PEANUT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today I had what might be my largest (by volume) salvage from one location.

I spotted something I have not seen in months — a hulk, mining alone, jetting ore into as many as five time-stamped jet cans. It was a horrible plague of dangerous jetsam in the spaceways, I tell you, an entire cloud of obstacles to navigation!

For such challenges does Ironfleet exist. To the salvage fleet, men!

The enterprise was not without risk, because you don’t want to take just any old ship into drone range of a pissed-off hulk pilot. And this guy had potential to be dangerous — he was a 2003 pilot and he was in a large corp with hundreds of members. It wasn’t clear what storm of shit might be landing on my head at any time, so I was forced to be cautious.

In the event, the hapless hulk pilot appears to have been alone in the system, with nothing more exciting than a large hauler as an alternative ship. He put up no fight at all, though he did stop mining and start hauling (two trips in the hulk, then at least one in a Bestower) while I carefully rounded up the hazardous cans, transferred their contents into Ironfleet cans, tractored them out of the roid hell they were in, and guarded them in open space until it was safe to undock the Bustard transport for collection.

At the end of the day I hauled three full jet-cans (plus a smidge) of ore home to the Ironfleet hangars, without having to fire a shot.

Shame on El’basin of Sankkasen Mining Conglomerate [SKMC] for such flagrant pollution of the spaceways!

I am increasingly finding myself in the position of teaching hard lessons to newer players. I don’t do this with scorn — we were all new once — but I do find myself wondering sometimes if I’m the first hostile opponent they have ever encountered in EVE.

Tonight when I logged in, the first banter in local I saw was:

Tang Ra > hes robbing u
NeoEclipse > ya i saw that..
Tang Ra > a lots of nasty ppl in this game

That was enough hint of loose ore waiting to be salvaged for me; I jumped in my Crane and went salvage hunting.

Sure enough, I found NeoEclipse hanging in the belts in a destroyer, near a jetcan. He’s in a corp, and his mining lasers were not lit. Real, or bait? No matter, I’ll chance it.

Sadly, the can was light — not even a Craneload. Still, I emptied it. And bedamned if he didn’t launch some drones and sic them on me!

Alert for a trap, I nonetheless did the necessary. It was fast and ugly, because his drones were his only weapon and he had no tank except for his small armor repper:

2008.06.03 06:45:00

Victim: NeoEclipse
Alliance: NONE
Corp: Galactic Revolutionary Forces
Destroyed: Exequror
System: [redacted]
Security: 0.5
Damage Taken: 4357

Involved parties:

Name: Marlenus (laid the final blow)
Security: 1.4
Alliance: NONE
Corp: Ironfleet Towing And Salvage
Ship: Crane
Weapon: Havoc Fury Heavy Missile
Damage Done: 3839

Name: Guristas Despoiler / Guristas
Damage Done: 518

Destroyed items:

Rich Plagioclase, Qty: 1114 (Cargo)
Small Armor Repairer I
Miner II, Qty: 2
Hornet I, Qty: 2 (Drone Bay)
Survey Scanner I

Dropped items:

Miner I
Co-Processor I
Miner II
Hornet I, Qty: 2 (Drone Bay)
Basic Co-Processor

Ugly! What was he thinking? Ah, there’s a hint — he’s less than two weeks old. Did he, do you suppose, take from this a salutory lesson, and resolve never again get cocky in a ship that’s packing a full rack of mining lasers?

His remarks in local suggest… maybe not. And dig the supportive-but-inarticulate sidekick who chimes in part way through the conversation:

NeoEclipse > u fuck
NeoEclipse > Marlenus
Marlenus > LOL, attacking the helpless hauler not such a good idea?
NeoEclipse > ya i guess so. but now im goin to have you killed for sure. everytime i see you in this zone im goin to bait the shit out of u with everyone in here.
Marlenus > Good luck with that.
NeoEclipse > this is my base so it wont be hard
Marlenus > We’ll see I guess.
Esplin9466 > jes vee vill
NeoEclipse > i hope everyone can read in this area and marks you down. freakin idiot. 2 yr player and total jackass.
Marlenus > LOL, if they can’t read it here, they can read all about it on the Ironfleet Towing And Salvage blog at Ironfleet.com
Marlenus > And you attacked a transport ship in a mining cruiser with no guns, who was the idiot again?
NeoEclipse > u are..just to remind you. you are
Marlenus > If that’s what you have to tell yourself, OK I guess…
Esplin9466 > goo bagz
Esplin9466 > = bagz of goo
Esplin9466 > jizzimous goo

I confess I came closer to taunting the poor boy than I usually like to do, but he was trying so hard to offend me, it seemed a pity not to rise to his bait a little bit.

Jizzimous Goo, over and out…

This is the story of the tough little badger who met a bad end.

A few days ago there was this guy, see, who was jet-can mining in a Cormorant mining destroyer. He’d been at it quite a while, and his can had an old time for a name. So I loaded my Crane from his jet can, and flipped the rest of the ore into an Ironfleet can.

The destroyer left quickly, which is often a sign that the guy is coming back in something bigger and meaner.

So I came back, first, in my stealth bomber. And cloaked.

About two minutes later, here comes the miner. In a Badger? I guess he wants “his” ore back.

He approaches the Ironfleet can, takes on a load of ore, starts flashing red. I uncloak and launch a volley:

Your Caldari Navy Wrath Cruise Missile hits whitesonar (Badger), doing 490.0 damage.
Your Caldari Navy Wrath Cruise Missile hits whitesonar (Badger), doing 490.0 damage.
Your Caldari Navy Wrath Cruise Missile hits whitesonar (Badger), doing 490.0 damage.

A Badger I survived that volley? Impressively tanked!

And impressive reflexes, too, because he was warped out before the next volley arrived.

My stealth bombers not typically being fitted with warp scramblers, I decided to go back for my Crane. He’s hauling ore, I’d better haul some too.

I grab another Craneload. Jet can is getting low on ore, now. I decide to orbit the can and see if he comes back with the Badger again.

He does! And while he scoops the last of the ore, I am turning on my warp scrambler and opening up with the missile launcher.

Pretty soon it’s all over but for the scooping of the loot:

Victim: whitesonar
Alliance: NONE
Corp: School of Applied Knowledge
Destroyed: Badger
System: [redacted]
Security: 0.5
Damage Taken: 5385

Involved parties:

Name: Marlenus (laid the final blow)
Security: 1.3
Alliance: NONE
Corp: Ironfleet Towing And Salvage
Ship: Crane
Weapon: Caldari Navy Thunderbolt Heavy Missile
Damage Done: 5385

Name: Guristas Despoiler / Guristas
Damage Done: 0

Destroyed items:

Medium Shield Extender I, Qty: 2

Dropped items:

Cap Recharger I, Qty: 2
Expanded Cargohold II, Qty: 2
Veldspar, Qty: 6842 (Cargo)

Tech II cargo expanders, yay! And note the pair of destroyed medium shield extenders. Tough little Badger!

UPDATE:

Today, same system. Here’s whitesonar, now in a Retriever barge, mining into a properly-anchored giant secure container. Lesson learned?

GSC miner

Mining destroyer kill today. Not particularly unusual or exciting, although I did get most of a jetcan of ore as part of the bargain. But what made me laugh was the private convo I got while pounding through the armor of the Osprey with my one-launcher transport ship:

Heritor Skoliya > пшму ьу ьн щку здуфыу
Marlenus > Don’t speak russian, sorry
Heritor Skoliya > give me my ore please. and stop shooting
Marlenus > No, it’s mine now, and you shot at me first

It’s that line, “give me my ore please, and stop shooting” that made my jaw drop in wonderment. It reminded me of The Princess Bride:

He died well, no bribe attempts or blubbering. He simply said, “Please. Please, I need to live.” It was the “please” that caught my memory. I asked him what was so important for him. “True love,” he replied.

But seriously, the man shot at my “helpless hauler” (shot Caldari Navy heavy missiles at me, no less) in his cruiser, discovered I can shoot back, so now he’ll ask nicely, when a moment before he was just going to blow me out of space? Sorry tovareesh, it’s a bit late for “please”, don’t you think?

Seriously, I don’t think he’s playing the same Eve as me. But he still goes boom real good:

2008.05.24 22:16:00

Victim: Heritor Skoliya
Alliance: NONE
Corp: Caldari Provisions
Destroyed: Osprey
System: [redacted]
Security: 0.7
Damage Taken: 4008

Involved parties:

Name: Marlenus (laid the final blow)
Security: 1.3
Alliance: NONE
Corp: Ironfleet Towing And Salvage
Ship: Crane
Weapon: Havoc Fury Heavy Missile
Damage Done: 4008

Name: Guristas Imputor / Guristas
Damage Done: 0

Destroyed items:

100mm Reinforced Nanofiber Plates I
Miner II
Mining Drone I, Qty: 3 (Drone Bay)
Survey Scanner I

Dropped items:

Caldari Navy Scourge Heavy Missile, Qty: 205 (Cargo)
Heavy Missile Launcher I
100mm Reinforced Steel Plates I
Miner II, Qty: 2
Mining Drone I (Drone Bay)
Concentrated Veldspar, Qty: 4788 (Cargo)
Caldari Navy Scourge Heavy Missile, Qty: 25

Thank you, Heritor Skoliya, for the donation of the Miner IIs and the Navy missiles. Next time, try asking nicely before you start shooting at the helpless hauler. You still won’t get your ore back, but it might save you getting your cruiser pwned by a lumbering industrial ship with one high slot and a sig radius the size of Cleveland.

Here’s the cleaned up combat log, which I find interesting because it’s the first duel I’ve been in where both sides were shooting nothing but a single heavy missile launcher apiece:

[ 22:13:51 ] (combat) Caldari Navy Scourge Heavy Missile belonging to Heritor Skoliya hits you, doing 85.1 damage.
[ 22:13:59 ] (notify) You have started trying to warp scramble Heritor Skoliya (Osprey).
[ 22:14:03 ] (combat) Caldari Navy Scourge Heavy Missile belonging to Heritor Skoliya hits you, doing 85.1 damage.
[ 22:14:03 ] (combat) Your Caldari Navy Thunderbolt Heavy Missile hits Heritor Skoliya (Osprey), doing 282.8 damage.
[ 22:14:10 ] (combat) Your Caldari Navy Thunderbolt Heavy Missile hits Heritor Skoliya (Osprey), doing 282.8 damage.
[ 22:14:16 ] (combat) Your Caldari Navy Thunderbolt Heavy Missile hits Heritor Skoliya (Osprey), doing 282.8 damage.
[ 22:14:16 ] (combat) Caldari Navy Scourge Heavy Missile belonging to Heritor Skoliya hits you, doing 85.1 damage.
[ 22:14:23 ] (combat) Your Caldari Navy Thunderbolt Heavy Missile hits Heritor Skoliya (Osprey), doing 282.8 damage.
[ 22:14:30 ] (combat) Your Caldari Navy Thunderbolt Heavy Missile hits Heritor Skoliya (Osprey), doing 190.5 damage.
[ 22:14:30 ] (combat) Caldari Navy Scourge Heavy Missile belonging to Heritor Skoliya hits you, doing 85.1 damage.
[ 22:14:39 ] (combat) Guristas Arrogator hits you, doing 0.6 damage.
[ 22:14:41 ] (notify) Loading the Advanced Heavy Missile into the Missile Launcher Heavy; this will take approximately 10 seconds.
[ 22:14:55 ] (combat) Your Havoc Fury Heavy Missile hits Heritor Skoliya (Osprey), doing 247.3 damage.
[ 22:15:02 ] (combat) Your Havoc Fury Heavy Missile hits Heritor Skoliya (Osprey), doing 257.9 damage.
[ 22:15:09 ] (combat) Your Havoc Fury Heavy Missile hits Heritor Skoliya (Osprey), doing 257.9 damage.
[ 22:15:16 ] (combat) Your Havoc Fury Heavy Missile hits Heritor Skoliya (Osprey), doing 257.9 damage.
[ 22:15:24 ] (combat) Your Havoc Fury Heavy Missile hits Heritor Skoliya (Osprey), doing 257.9 damage.
[ 22:15:41 ] (combat) Your Havoc Fury Heavy Missile hits Heritor Skoliya (Osprey), doing 262.6 damage.
[ 22:15:48 ] (combat) Your Havoc Fury Heavy Missile hits Heritor Skoliya (Osprey), doing 286.4 damage.
[ 22:15:56 ] (combat) Your Havoc Fury Heavy Missile hits Heritor Skoliya (Osprey), doing 286.1 damage.
[ 22:16:03 ] (combat) Your Havoc Fury Heavy Missile hits Heritor Skoliya (Osprey), doing 286.4 damage.
[ 22:16:11 ] (combat) Your Havoc Fury Heavy Missile hits Heritor Skoliya (Osprey), doing 286.4 damage.
[ 22:16:14 ] (notify) Warp Disruptor I deactivates as Lobster Cockroach II begins to explode.
[ 22:16:16 ] (notify) Heavy Missile Launcher II deactivates as Lobster Cockroach II begins to explode.

The day started off poorly, with one of those out-of-the-blue Mars versus Venus misunderstandings with the girlfriend that had her in tears and me going “WTF?” and feeling like I walked into a hidden buzz saw.

We made it up and she went shopping, but when I logged into EVE, I got it into my head that I wanted to blow somebody up. I figured it might cheer me up.

So, I hopped in my trusty old Crane transport with the concealed heavy missile launcher, and went looking for ore. I always need ore, and sometimes I get to blow stuff up.

First pilgrim I found was jet can mining in a Retriever mining barge. That’s always a good sign. So I warped to his jet can, and found it just about jammed clear full. Nice!

I stuffed the Crane’s none-too-large cargo hold, and repackaged the rest into an Ironfleet jet can. Mr. Retriever left. I took my first load home, came back in a stealth bomber, and cloaked. Will Mr. Retriever please come back in something else, and take something from an Ironfleet can? I really want to blow something up today.

Sadly, he did not return. So, after a suitable interval, I went and got the Hot Iron Extricator (a Badger II fitted for this sort of project) and made two quick trips.

(Aside: I often hear smack-talk in local about how “can flippers and thieves” don’t care about the ore, but just want to blow people up. It’s true that today, I did want to blow people up. But my ore hauling ways are really about the tritanium. Have you priced that shit lately? It turns out that a nearly full jet-can of mixed Veldspars refines, with my skills, to just over 800,000 units of tritanium, which, at the best available buy order in the station I took it to, is worth 2.5 million ISK. Not that I’d ever sell it — I still don’t have enough battleships to play with. But when Ironfleet flips your can, we want the ore. The kabooms are strictly a bonus.)

So anyway, Mr. Retriever would not play with me. On to the next belt! There’s always another pilgrim.

And in the very next belt, I found a young player (only two weeks old, give or take) sitting in an Osprey cruiser. No mining lasers were running, which made my hackles go up. Plus, he was corped and allianced, which made them go up further. Is this a real target, or is it bait?

While I watched, he warped away. So I closed on the can and investigated its contents. About a thousand units of ore more than would fit in my Crane. So, I filled the cargo hold and deposited the rest overboard in an Ironfleet jetcan.

Right about then, Mr. Osprey Miner came back, in a Badger II. Hmm, he sees another hauler, if he’s really as new as he looks, maybe he thinks I’m no threat? So I start motoring away, about half speed, like I’m aligning slowly to warp away. Waiting for him to pull “his” ore back out of Ironfleet’s can, but not really believing he’ll do it.

Motor motor motor. Reduce speed a little, don’t want to get too far away. Motor motor motor. Will he do it?

He did it.

Sorry, Mr. Osprey Miner, but you picked a bad day to take ore from an Ironfleet can.

Time to target the flashy red Badger II. That takes awhile in a Crane. Then I’ll turn on the warp disruptor… uh oh!

What with all that that motoring, I’m now too far away — about 2 klicks outside warp disruptor range. All engines astern! Full stop! Get on the steering oars! Crank this wobbly pig around! OK, now start shoveling on the coal!

Slowly, slowly, my trusty combat Crane lumbered back into warp disruptor range. For a miracle, the target has not gone home. Now he’s not going anywhere, so I start lobbing heavy missiles up his wake, closing rapidly so I can scoop whatever he drops.

Poop! Now that’s a sign of guilty panic if I ever saw it, he’s just jettisoned a can. Is he saying I can have my ore back if I just leave him in peace?

Probably. But this is not Ironfleet’s day to be peaceful.

Kaboom. Kaboom. Kaboom. By now he’s in armor, he’s turned on some sort of ineffectual shield booster, and it’s all over but the pretty lights. Wait for it…

Pretty lights. Yay!

I feel better now.

Here’s the mail:

2008.05.24 00:19:00

Victim: Tantulous
Alliance: Red Dragon Industries
Corp: steal will Defense
Destroyed: Badger Mark II
System: [redacted]
Security: 0.7
Damage Taken: 2841

Involved parties:

Name: Marlenus (laid the final blow)
Security: 1.3
Alliance: NONE
Corp: Ironfleet Towing And Salvage
Ship: Crane
Weapon: Caldari Navy Thunderbolt Heavy Missile
Damage Done: 2841

Destroyed items:

Civilian Shield Booster I
Monopropellant I Hydrazine Boosters
EP-S Gaussian I Excavation Pulse

Dropped items:

Bookmark (Cargo)

Doh! Another civilian shield booster guy! And it didn’t even drop. {/emote cries}

Predictably, it wasn’t long before Tantulous was in contact, in local. To his credit, there was zero smack. But he wanted (a) his stuff back and (b) compensation.

I guess it wasn’t going to be his day, either.

[ 29:48 ] Tantulous > hey marlenus, what gives, I grab the wrong container because you emtied mine when I wasn’t looking and you blast me, bit of a cheap shot aint it, especially on a badger.
[ 31:16 ] Marlenus > No offense mate, but you emptied an Ironfleet can right in front of me, and I was in a hauler too, so it didn’t seem like much of a cheap shot to shoot at you.
[ 31:39 ] Tantulous > except for one thing, you stole from mine I took a little from one of yours, mine had 5 times as much and ya stole it, I picked the wrong bloody one by mistake and what did ya do, my badger had no offensive weapons, I want my stuff back.
[ 33:57 ] Marlenus > I prefer to call it salvage, but whatever. I won’t be returning ore that’s been hauled to the Ironfleet hangars. And there’s a warning that pops up when you pick someone else’s can by mistake … or have you turned that off?
[ 34:27 ] Tantulous > I never seen any warning, and if there is one it’s never been turned on.
[ 34:48 ] Tantulous > and salvage, cock you shouldn’t have took it in the first place.
[ 35:54 ] Marlenus > You should be getting a warning and be required to click an OK button before “accidentally’ taking something from a can that’s not yours.
[ 36:22 ] Marlenus > As for my salvage activities, I’m afraid we differ there — that’s what Ironfleet does, and we do enjoy it.
[ 36:31 ] Tantulous > well i didn’t, you should get the same warning.
[ 36:50 ] Tantulous > it aint salvage man it’s stealin.
[ 36:59 ] Marlenus > I did get the warning, that’s how I know it’s there. You must have turned yours off, there’s a little checkbox to do that.
[ 37:15 ] Marlenus > We disagree on what to call it, I fear.
[ 38:04 ] Tantulous > I feel a little compensation is in order then for the mistake and insult, a small suggestion.
[ 38:48 ] Marlenus > Tantulus, it was no mistake on my part, and will nto be compensated for. Salvage of this kind is our corporate mission.
[ 38:50 ] Tantulous > I only want what is rightfully mine
[ 40:59 ] Tantulous > I still think I should receive compensation man.
[ 41:15 ] Marlenus > For what? I am honestly baffled by that idea.
[ 42:27 ] Tantulous > a mistake made, an accident and an attack that was not neccisary
[ 43:13 ] Marlenus > You made the mistake, are you suggesting you’d like to compensate me for taking from an Ironfleet can, or perhaps for the ammo I expended after you did so?

[ 43:22 ] Mack Grafton > the problem is, these “salvagers” are purposefully can flipping so they can attack you in your haulers and mining ships, its not an accident at all

[ 44:04 ] Marlenus > Those caldari navy heavy missiles are not cheap!
[ 44:38 ] Tantulous > the accident was waht i made man grabbing wrong bloody can, shouldn’t have used them then.
[ 46:13 ] Marlenus > With the greatest of respect, I’m skeptical of the accident theory to be honest; there is the matter of the warning you say you’ve never turned off, which is a well-known game mechanic and very hard to miss if it’s on.
[ 46:57 ] Tantulous > I have never had this warning since I started the game

[ 47:01 ] Salarion > And the moral of the story is? anyone?
[ 47:21 ] Tantulous > leave other peeps cans alone
[ 47:30 ] Salarion > wrong answer
[ 47:41 ] Tantulous > enlighten me please?
[ 47:43 ] Marlenus > I think I know, but I’ll wait for it…
[ 47:57 ] Salarion > DON”T use cans
[ 47:57 ] saltanx > never use jet cans
[ 48:02 ] Sudwerk > Who’s laughing at this?
[ 48:10 ] Linnea Celesta > o/
[ 48:15 ] Gankey > o/ hehe
[ 48:19 ] Mack Grafton > done use jet cans
[ 48:19 ] Marlenus > Me. Could we get that advice in a four-part harmony?
[ 48:51 ] Salarion > la l la la

By now I had a smile on my face, and then the girlfriend came home from the store with strawberry/blueberry tarts so she was happy too, and the day was much improved. Tantulous, if you ever read this, it was nothing personal, I’d have blowed up Santa Clause just then, if he’d been foolish enough to go flashy red on me. And salvaged his eight tiny reindeer for sausage, too.

Sadly, this does not count. Because it was on SISI, the testing server.

I logged into SISI today for the first time in well over a year, to help test the new faction warfare content. There’s no immediate way to sign up for a militia when you’re the CEO of a corp, so I put in my militia application and decided to go looking around in my Hawk.

On the Konola stargate in Isaziwa, I find a Phoenix wreck. What’s a Phoenix? I had to look it up. But the wreck was a big one.

Dreadnaught, it turns out.

Turn on the salvager!

I was surprised to find that my one salvager had a success on the second cycle. I got: 211 conductive polymers, 97 Malfunctioning Shield Emitters, and 238 Ward Consoles. Plus, there were Arbalest torp launchers in the wreck.

None of the stuff matters, because this is on SISI. But I’ve never gotten to salvage a dread “for real”, so this was still fun.

I had a LOL today while reading the official forums like no LOL I’ve had since Chebri sent me a cease and desist letter with implied threat of suing me (me, Marlenus, a fictional character in a computer game) for libeling her (her, Chebri, another fictional character).

Today’s LOL involved Kyuzo Takeda of the Black Dragon Crime Syndicate, posting a fairly normal and restrained public warning against somebody who was using the courier contracts system to set up suicide ganks. Gank, retain collateral, profit. So far, so normal.

Kyuzo got the usual Melvin-voiced “Ha HA!” trolls, plus a couple of fairly polite and helpful sets of advice for avoiding that sort of misfortune in future. To all of which he responded, fairly sanely:

Thanks for the advice. Although it doesn’t seem right. That they allow that to happen so freely.

Somebody random asks: “This is EVE, how does that not seem right?”

And then the wheels fell off the bus. Kyuzo again:

It’s not right because real stealing is not right. That isk I used as collateral was isk I paid for using the legal time-code selling market that CCP sponsers and supports. So either Baronsold stole real money from me or CCP did. Either way, if you have any morals, you would see it’s not right. Flawed game mechanics cost me real money.

At this point it doesn’t matter what any of you think though. I’ve taken this to a higher level than just a forum alert. I’ve already filed a formal complaint with IC3 and NW3C. As well as reporting it to my commanding officer in my chain of command. (i’m in the military).

Either way, I am not letting anyone steal real money from me. No different than if a thief breaks into my house and steals something.

Ohmigod, did he just say he went into his commanding officer’s office to complain that he’d been victimized by pirates flying internet spaceships? Scratch one promising military career!

Did he really report this terrible crime to The Internet Crime Complaint Center? (That’s “a partnership between the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the National White Collar Crime Center, and the Bureau of Justice Assistance.”)

Did he really report this heinous victimization to the National White Collar Crime Center?

I’d love to have the video of the reaction he got from his commanding officer. And I really, really, want to see his face when somebody in the business of fighting real crime tries to explain that when he logged into EVE, he consented to everything that might happen “to him” while logged in.

Update: Oh god, it just keeps getting better. If he really did this he is in for a world of pain when his “chain of command” figures out the true nature of his beef:

Not when the situation is worded ever so carefully, by stating basic facts on the situation. They don’t view it any different than if someone credit card scammed you on the internet. To put it in your language: “Sir, this company in Europe stole $200.00 from me.” Either way, I gave him all of CCP’s contact information and he told me he would take care of it personally, and also contact the legal branch here on base. Either way, CCP can expect some phone calls from several United States military officers; and perhaps even some people from IC3, if they accept my case as well.

“So, let’s see if I’ve got this straight. You used real money to buy some kind of Monopoly money, or something like that, from some people in, where was it again, Iceland? And then you used this electronic Monopoly money to play a spaceship game, and to buy, what was it again? Brain implants? I can see why you might think you need them. And then you put them in the cargo hold of a computer game spaceship, right? And went and flew it, and got caught by internet pirates? And that’s like, what the game is for, right? So now, you think, the people who run the game, should give your money back? Why don’t you run that by me again, I still think I’m missing a step. And once we’re done with this conversation — which had better be soon — I’ll see if we still have a Navy base in the Aleutian Islands where I can get you transferred.”